Today seems like the perfect day, to get carried away.

I think life really likes to fuck with me. Things were going horribly for a while, then very recently really terrific, and now kind of bad again. Probably mostly because of stress because of school work and other things. 

Well, at least he told me the truth of how he felt, because I was getting rather upset because I thought he lost those "mad big feelings" he said he had for me. What a lost cause.../:

Fortunately, I got a new backpack, which means I can walk home from school again now, because my other backpack wasn't really a backpack, it was actually a really nice laptop bag, and it hurt my back. I was able to go to the library finally where I checked out five books that I plan to read and get this- I hadn't used my library card in so long that it expired and the huge fine I was afraid to pay, was gone.:D 

And due to an ice cream disaster the other day, (monday, I believe) I have made up my mind to go vegan, even though I was going to wait until I got a job so I'd be able to purchase my own groceries and actually eat.:P It's quite difficult. But I'm trying to be strong.(:

Despite the discouragements going on, I'm going to try to wake up each morning and demand that it be a good day, and maybe when I wake and say for myself to have a good day, that's how it'll turn out.(:

Until next time, adios!(:

I'm Wearing A Smile(:

I'm feeling pretty  happy right now, having read 2 related great blogposts by 'aliciasaywhatnow?', eating Nutella on wheat bread, had a fun night last night with Morg, making fun of google translator and reading bedtime stories and what not(:


Yep, so besides my headache and the things that I'm just ignoring right now, I am pretty chipper(:


When I woke up this morning the whole world looked brighter, and it was wonderful(: 


So without going into detail about everything or anything right now, I'll end this post on a happy note(:


-Smile on-

Waking Up This Morning...

This morning I woke up, fell asleep again, woke up and fell asleep again, woke up, layed back, rested my eyes, opened my eyes, got up, and told myself not to be a sullen wimp at school. It kind of worked, with the help of trying to keep my head filled with happy thoughts, and seeing good friends- friends usually help to brighten my day.(: 


I'll keep this post short becuase I feel that I've been complaining a lot the last couple posts, and I just need to keep smiling on.(:


Au revior, les amis(:

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me

I feel like there's a larger problem that's bothering me that I'm not completely aware of. Like something I can't see because it lurks in the shadows in the back of my mind. I'm not completely aware, but it's there. 
Maybe it's that I lack something I yearn for- control that has beed ripped from my grasp. Control over things both minor and large that subcategorize under my control over life in general. I feel like most of the control I need and want has been taken over by other people, like my mother for instance, and being the independent person that I am, not having it is very frustrating for me. 


Relating to control, one of the main reasons I really became a vegetarian was for control- over what I eat, or don't eat. Yet I can't completely be in charge of that being that I can't buy the groceries because I don't yet have a job. But I'm looking, and trying, there's no doubt of that. When I do, maybe then I can even go vegan, for further control, and stuff(: 


Right now I really miss my friends and people at school. /: I wish things would simply work out better and work out right. I'm much happier around and with good friends compared to being at home. 
So much shit here that I want to escape from. Many things still going on left unsaid. Much to deal with. I'll try to deal with it, I'll try to be strong(: I'll try to keep doing what makes me happiest(: I'll make it to "My Own World" someday, someday...


Adiós para ahora, amigos(: 

I Was Born A Unicorn(:

I'm not really a unicorn(; That's just the name of a song by The Unicorns (of course) that's stuck in my head. I was singing it today when I was with my grandmother and aunt and they thought me odd(; Oh well.

Maybe I'm a little crazy, but that's okay, some of the best artists, writers and people were(:

This morning I woke up quite early, even though I went to bed some time after 12. Probably because I fell asleep for ten hours after coming home friday after not sleeping at all the night before(X

I went with the family to work to be picked up by my grandmother early today (no way I want to work at the same place as all of them) I heard my mom talking to this guy, "don't ever have kids," he said he had two boys and my mom replied, "oh, lucky youu." 

I was standing right there. Ouch. Not like I asked for her to give birth to me:P

Veronica told me our mother says stuff like that at work every day/: 

I went to my g-ma's church to check out the yard sale going on there, then stopped at her house, then to a place called the Hobby Lobby that my aunt wanted to check outt. It was a pretty cool craft store, I got some dominoes I plan to make a neat-o speed-o bracelet with; a nice sized little red journal; AND this like, silk screen paint in a can:D I can't wait to make awesome stuff with that(((: We also went to a small place like Saturday's market and a consignment store, which both had nice stuff, but I didn't have any extra money left over/:

I also had an interesting experience at the Burger King that was nearby. I ordered a veggie burger and my aunt and g-ma did the same, which was cool(: But there was only like, three people working there, (one of which was a rather bitchy girl- I'm sorry but it's truee) and so the line was long and slow going, and the guy behind us told us he worked there but had off today and the girl working was never in a good mood. I kinda felt bad for the guy that works there/: The girl messed up his order and got pissed, and even another guy's order who was in the drive through and came in to get the order straight. It was quite a sight(X

So yeah, until I got home, I had a good day with my grandmother and aunt(:

But now I'm home/: And I don't want to be/: And I'm grounded for a week from going out for a bit on thursday, can't go anywhere, and mum took away my phone/: And I wish it was Sunday so I could go to school tomorrow and see my friends(: Oh well, I'll try to endure tomorrow and actually do something productive(:

Tot ziens voor nu(:

I'm going to lose it- if I haven't already(:

-----------------------------------
Hyperventilation: Define it for me.
For over an hour, it really scared myself.
I cant talk to my mum about my problems,
besides the fact that they're 
mostly caused by her,
she wouldn't understand anyways.
Now because I was
breathing quickly, and heavily and trying to try not to cry late last night, 
she thinks I'm crazy.
She said I was just overworked.
She doesn't understand,
she simply doesn't know.
I think the episode I had last night will only makes things worse,
she'll be more strict and secure,
which she doesn't understand was already
part of my problems.
She doesn't take me and
my personal opinions ever into account.
She doesn't trust me. Thought I was going to run away last night.
(but of course I wasn't, I wouldn't leave with lose ends, unprepared, 
and she doesn't ever give me enough credit for being a rather canny person with good knowledge and reasoning for things) 
I'm not sure how to deal with all my own problems, 
or tell others of them 
or ask for help. 
So my best solution is usually trying to ignore and avoid them,
and let time resolve things.
I remember thinking
as I was on those swings last night,
all I wanted
all I want
is to be happy.
-------------------------------
So smile on, love on, live on(:


I'll have to constantly remind myself why I say smile on,
I'm going to need that(:


Au revoir, les amis(:

Oh Night...

I just recently finished my homework, due to the unfortunate event that all my work that I had saved onto a thumb drive got deleted, I had to retype my whole persuasive essay for literature AND find and cite all the websites again. I can not believe I cried over it, but it took me a lot of work and dedication, and it just disappeared! I also had to complete another essay in addition to answering questions about the book, They Poured Fire on Us From the Sky, and current event article for history class. I even organized my messy binder up a bit.


I'm to afraid to go to sleep now in case I wont be able to wake up, despite how tired I am, but I'm also afraid that I'll fall asleep at school, but I won't be surprised when I do/: The hours I lacked in sleep for tonight I made up for in coffee. Many, many cups of coffee.. 


I was quite frustrated with all the work that I had to do, so Veronica and I went for a brief drive with Ryan, but we had to return home really soon because our mother was saying we were disobeying or something. I don't know, I was just very overwhelmed by everything horrible that was accumulating together and needed a short escape from it for a while. But after complaining to my mom that she was to cheap to buy me a good hard drive that wouldn't spaz out and delete it's contents, I left and she called her sister and her sister's boyfriend, who both tried to call me to try to help fix it. I told my mum it wouldn't work and at that point I didn't really care, that's when I just gave up for a while. Well one of them must have called the house, and my other sister, unfaithful Victoria must have told them that I was not home. Then my mother was notified of this (because she wasn't aware at first) and called me once again, telling me to get my ass home immediately and said that I wouldn't be aloud leaving the house to go anywhere for a week. Are you kidding me??? All I want to do is leave this dreadful house and dreadful you, mother. If she decides to take what little freedom she gives me to begin with, or my phone, or my computer usage, or a combination of those, I'll crack and I'm not yet sure exactly what I'd do... 


I feel like I'm forgetting to mention something else... And I probably am, but can't and won't be able to think correctly for a while due to my shortage of sleep and excessive consumption of coffee(X


My oh my, it's past 4:30 in the morning, I'm listening and singing to some of The Mountain Goats' songs, like Woke Up New, and This Year- two really great songs in my opinion(: 


"I am going to make it through this year if it kills me." I'm most likely going to put that as my facebook status for this morning... 


I wonder what the ensuing hours are going to hold, and hopefully they won't be terribly bad. I think I need more coffee now before I grow too tired, and I guess I should get a shower before school... which is in about three hours from now/: Unless school gets canceled due to the weather, that'd be really nice(: Pretty much whatever happens, I'll most likely write of it later today if I get the chance. 


Au revoir, les amis,
and wish me luck(: